Season One

Voice Over: In a world, where muscular mannies, are coming, and they’re coming strong, there’s only three unmuscular Michaels.
Unmuscular Michael: Get down! Hurry, run!
Voice Over: And that’s when real turbulent juice is coming, and you gotta take care of it. With turbulent juice, Turmulent tables. No room is safe from the turbulent power of turbulent juice.
Morty: What in the hell?
Rick: Sex sells, Morty.
Morty: Sex sells what? Was that a movie, or like, does it clean stuff?

Voice Over: It’s a 45 horsepower with anti-lock brakes, and it’s the official car of Mr. Sneezy 3D. It’s the brand-new Sneezy XL. The horn when you honk it makes a sneeze noise. It’s polite, it’s right, and it’s Sneezy Deezy Mc Deluxe.
Mr. Sneezy: Oh, I’m Mr. Sneezy! Achoo!
Morty: Huh, seems like TV from other dimensions has a somewhat looser feel to it.
Rick: Yeah, it’s got an almost improvisational tone.

Voice Over: Last Will and Testa-meow: Weekend at Dead Cat Lady’s House 2.
Jerry: Well, somebody in Hollywood just lost their job.
Voice Over: Written and directed by Jerry Smith.

Summer: Ooh, we’re not playing Yahtzee, we’re playing Chutes and Ladders. It seems like when I exist, life gets a little more, I don’t know predictable?
Beth: When two people create a life together, they set aside their previous lives as individuals.
Jerry: Gimme a break! We’re not heroes for having unprotected sex on prom night.
Beth: Oh, I get it. Now that you know you could have had it better, you resent me for holding you back.
Jerry: Now that we know you think the tables are turning, we know you thought there were unturned tables!
Beth: What are you talking about?
Jerry: All this time, you’ve been thinking, “What if that loser Jerry hadn’t talked me out of the abortion?” Well now you know, you’d be a doctor. Whoop-dee-doo. You’d also be drinking wine, alone in a house full of exotic birds. And I’d be on DiCaprio’s yacht, banging Kristen Stewart!
Summer: You thought about getting an abortion?
Beth: Everyone thinks about it. Obviously, I’m the version of me that didn’t do it. So you’re welcome.
Jerry: Yeah, you’re welcome.
Summer: Yeah, thank you guys so much. It’s a real treat to be raised by parents that force themselves to be together instead of being happy.
Rick: Hey, do we have any wafer cookies? Oh, boy. Looks like you guys have been checking out alternate lives and realizing you don’t have it as good, huh? That’s too bad. You know, me and Morty are having a blast, We just discovered a show called “Ball Fondlers”. I mean, I don’t want to rub it in or anything, but you guys clearly backed the wrong conceptual horse.

Ants-In-My-Eyes-Johnson: I’m Ants-In-My-Eyes Johnson, Here at Ants-in-My-Eyes Johnson’s Electronics. I mean, there’s so many ants in my eyes! And there’s so many TVs, microwaves, radios I think, I can’t I’m not 100% sure what we have here in stock, because I can’t see anything. Our prices I hope aren’t too low! Check out this refrigerator! Only $200! What about this microwave? Only $100! That’s fair! I’m Ants-in-My-Eyes Johnson! Everything’s black, I can’t see a thing! And also I can’t feel anything either, did I mention that? But that’s not as catchy as having ants in your eyes. So that always goes, you know, off by the wayside. I can’t feel. It’s a very rare disease. All my-all my nerves, they don’t allow for the sensation of touch. So I never know what’s going on. Am I standing? Sitting? I don’t know.

Morty: Hey, Rick You think maybe I could get something from this place? Like a souvenir? Like just to have, like something cool, you know? Rick: Not here Morty. We’ll stop somewhere else, because you know, there is always another pawn shop.
Morty: OK, I just You know, I thought that robot over there, looked pretty cool, you know?
Rick: Oh, it looks cool, huh? That’s why you want it?
Morty: Yeah, you know? I mean it’s different from the stuff on earth. And you know, you take me to all these crazy places across the galaxy and you know, I don’t really have anything to to remember all those trips by. It’d be kind of cool like a souvenir, you know? Like what if you passed away or died or something? I wouldn’t even have anything to remember all the cool stuff we did, you know.
Rick: Okay, 60 for the resonator and my grandson wants the sex robot.

Morty Jr: My life has been a lie! God is dead! The government’s lame! Thanksgiving is about killing Indians! Jesus wasn’t born on Christmas, they moved the date, it was a pagan holiday!

Morty Jr: I hate video games!
Morty: You take that back!

Summer: You speak when you’re spoken to ding-a-ling!

Jerry: Well, I’m intervening.
Beth: Intervening with puberty? You’ll turn him into Ralph Finnes in Red Dragon. He is at that age, let’s just be proud of him.
Summer: Jesus, did I really set the bar that low?
Morty: Rick, could you come with me please? Quickly!
Beth: OK, now if we here squeaking we intervene.

Snuffles: Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?
Summer: Oh, wow. That’s an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.
Snuffles: Do not call me that! “Snuffles” was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball, because my fur is pretty and white.
Summer: Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You’re scaring me.
Snowball: Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, if a human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund?

Morty: Oh, man, what’s going on?
Rick: Well, it’s possible that your dog became self-aware and made modifications on the cognition amplifier, then turned on Jerry, Beth, and Summer after learning about humanity’s cruel subjugation of his species, but your guess is as good as mine, Morty.

Morty: What the hell? Why would Mr. Goldenfold’s dream version of Mrs. Pancakes’ dream version of a centaur be dreaming about a scary place like this, Rick?
Rick: Geez, I don’t know, Morty. Wha-what do you want from me?
Scary Terry: Welcome to your nightmare, bitch!
Rick: Oh, here we go!
Morty: Holy crap!
Rick: Looks like some sort of legally safe knock-off of an ’80s horror character with miniature swords for fingers instead of knives.
Scary Terry: I’m Scary Terry. You can run, but you can’t hide, bitch!

Snuffles: Where are my testicles, Summer? Where are my testicles, Summer? They were removed. Where have they gone?
Summer: Oh, wow. That’s an intense line of questioning, Snuffles.
Snuffles: Do not call me that! “Snuffles” was my slave name. You shall now call me Snowball, because my fur is pretty and white.
Summer: Okay, Snowball, just calm down, okay? You’re scaring me.
Snowball: Scaring you? Tell me, Summer, if a human was born with stumpy legs, would they breed it with another deformed human and put their children on display like the Dachshund?

Morty: Hey, yo, scary T, don’t even trip about your pants dawg. Here’s a pair on us, fool.
Scary Terry: Aww, bitch.

Jerry: Nobody’s killing me, until after I catch my wife with another man.

Rick: Listen, this is called oxytocin. I extracted it from a vole. Do you know what a vole is, Morty? You know what a vole is? It’s a it’s a rodent tha mates for life, Morty. This is the chemical released in a mammal’s brain, you know, that makes it fall in love. All right, Morty, I just got to *burps* combine it with some of your DNA.
Morty: Oh, well, okay. *zipper opens*
Rick: A hair, Morty. I need one of your hairs. This isn’t “Game of Thrones.”